A Turkey, a Geekasaurus, and a Joemiroquai walk into a bar... and discuss one-hit wonders.

Other Things Awesome #1: Bootsy Collins Saving the World.

Hello everybody! Anyone that knows me in real life knows that I play bass. I love bass. I love everything about it! The jokes. the groove. the "I'm like a mix between a drummer a guitarist" conversation in an attempt to make myself look cooler. However, there was something that made me love bass... well, it was more of a somebody... and that somebody... is Bootsy Collins.

Look at this guy! I remember opening an issue of Bass Player magazine at a guitar store and seeing this blingamatic guy with his space bass. Instantly, I knew this guy was better than the other bass players! When I asked one of the workers there, he praised bootsy because he was known for playing the bass well, unlike how other bass players get popular (long tongue, dying from a drug overdose and coming back to life, killing his girlfriend...). So, after I saw this guy, I had to find some recordings of the funkiest band in the world Parliament Funkadelic and, lemme tell you... I've never been the same.  I thought," this guys bass playing... his looks... I want to be him!" and YOU will want to be him too, especially when you find out... he saves the world.

Spiderman also likes Bootsy...see?

See, Bootsy didn't save the world in any normal superhero. NO. His parents weren't killed and he decided to be a superhero. NO. He didn't get superpowers from radiation. He had the funk, and he used it to save the world. WATCH IT.

This guy is a Black Iron Man. Dude has a plane, jet ski, spaceship, an obvious time machine he uses to kill a dragon, and WE'RE NOT EVEN AT THE TWO MINUTE MARK. But, with great power comes great responsibility... aliens in a blimp/limo (blimo?) arrive. A guy named Louis St. Jocks, who has money and lawyers and white guilt, wants to take over the funk with his band the believers ( or belieBers...for the new generation). At this point, Bootsy is teleported and Louis shows up and claims to... pee all over their afros... (Yep... not typing THAT into google images.) But, it turns out that he drops a whole bunch of letter ps into the crowd that release this red cloud of...funk... So, the Pee was... P... I tell you what, it's like listening to a little kid telling you a joke that s/he wrote and when they look at you all proud of their punchline, you have to muster up all of your strength just to say...

But anyways! this kid then runs and uses his funk express card to then be teleported into what I can only assume to be Bootsy's funktress of solitude and our kid is greeted the best way possible... by two thick-ass stereotypical black women! After this kid comes to his senses, he finally meets the grandest funkateer of them all: Bootsy. He is depicted in a big comfy chair with shorts, a t-shirt and star glasses on with his feet in a kiddy pool and hair that resembles J from the Awkward Black Girl series. In other words, sweet as hayl! At this moment, Bootsy's funkadelic TV picks up something and shows the show that he was once playing at and showing everyone with their faces being distorted while Louis is trying to bass solo... which that alone makes the face grimace. What does he say? "He P'd off all my funkateer with those pinocchio theory bombs... and it's just not explained... but this means Bootsy's gotta get into his bootwing (no joke... that's what it is) to SAVE the funk!

So, Bootsy gets into the Bootwing and sees all the P-Gas and... sucks it up... with his mouth... I mean, I know he's funky but if he could just suck it in... it... never mind! Anyways, the fans noses keep growing because of the P Gas and Bootsy's thick-ass funkateers shut it DOWN on Louis. That moment... Bootsy gets his getup in something I can only describe as Jesse from Toy Story meets Soul Train...and saves the crowd! What happens to Louis St. Jocks? Well, like a great villain, he swears his vengeance and his band flies off in metal attire! This is putting Stark industries to shame and people better not see how the funk can manipulate people!

So, let me get down to the B(r)ass tax of it all. This show, from a technical standpoint, is ludicrous. It doesn't make sense, it has poor animation, and there's nothing special... note that I said from a TECHNICAL standpoint. Although it's bad in that dimension, I wouldn't mind watching this show. I wouldn't mind watching MULTIPLE seasons of this show. It's so crazy and wild and out there that it makes you go," DUDE... really?....DUDE...really?" over and over again. Not only that, but I gotta say... it's gotta lotta funk. After saying that... have you ever been sad while listening to funk music? I guess what I'm going to say is this for the end of my review. After watching this I was left with one question: How does squidbillies have 7 seasons but this only lasts TEN MINUTES!?

Thank you for reading!

Joey

Joenen Jump #2: Wild Knights Gulkeeva

Today, we're going to take a trip back to 2003. There were many things that were different... the iPod was starting... we had a president that almost died by choking on a pretzel... most importantly, there was no youtube.  "But, how would one watch video film on the internet without youtube!?" You may ask. Well, if it wasn't on Newgrounds or Ebaumsworld, then you'd have to go to the sketchiest places on the internet to find what you need. I say this because this is where I found this anime. I was in 8th grade in 2003 and I was watching anime openings when I clicked on... this.

Or go to this for top quality. I could find it in my uploader :( 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGy_DVhwFU

Now, before you," tch, typical 90s anime." Get into the 8th grade mentality. Ripping intro? Kid around my age with a sweet sword beating up alien/demons with an armored wolf, eagle AND gorilla!? I was instantly hooked! I WANTED to watch this anime! but, I fell victim of the early stages of the internet and no one heard of this... but now, after 10 years, I finally found the entire series online. After watching the first episode... here is how I feel about the whole series.

This show is so good!!! I really enjoyed the first episode. I know, I know it's the first episode... but I enjoyed the light-hearted aspects of the show. Not only that, but the biggest thing that stood out in my mind? The main character... has parents. that are ALIVE! and on top of that, they help the main character! I don't want to discuss too much about the first episode, but I'll sum the plot like this (in the words of geekasaurus mike) It's like Thundercats meets He-Man.

Now, before you go and watch it and come back and be like,"ISTOTULEENAHTLAIKDATATAL" let me explain something. This show was made in the 90s. Not only that, but it was anime in the 90s. You miss bare midriff shirts and mullets? They're back. Remember how people were overly moody because there weren't any guitar solos on the radio in the 90s? Well... I was... anyways! This has a lot of the antics that were popular in 90s anime. So, think about it like this: 80s set but with a 90s display. A lot like me!

So, after having an anime release that was 10 years in the making, I heavily encourage everyone to at least try this anime. Yeah, it doesn't break any new ground in terms of plot, but it's a good old 90s anime that reminds us of the golden age of anime and how it has progressed since then. One last key note: watch out for fan art of this show. The animals get really close...

Here's the first part of the first episode! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjzwu5sfuoQ&list=UU9iLuTAzLAYInIzzbKKRrnw&index=75

Thank you for reading!

Joey

Pixels and Perspectives #2: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

Hello everyone! Due to the joys of having a birthday around tax time, I got myself two new games for the 3DS. One of them, a stellar title that I will discuss later. The other one... I was wondering whether or not it was going to be good. It seemed like a wild card.. This company has been trying to get this series going again by rebooting the plot lines. So, I took a shot, gathered up my money, and hoped that it wasn't a horrible night to play the next installment of the Castlevania series.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow: Mirror of Fate now sponsored by Garnier Fructis.

So, in case if you don't know the background of this series, Castlevania has been a series that stems all the way back to the NES days. It has followed the journey of the Belmont family (amongst others) in their journey of defeating the dark lord Dracula. The series started as a 2D platformer, but a change happened in the mid 90s when there was a new focus in gameplay. In Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, there was a non-linear change in gameplay which vaguely resembled the popular game Super Metroid for the SNES. This spawned a new buzzword called "Metroidvania", which I HATE (but I'll talk about that in a different post). Then.. there was a turn for the not-so-good. Castlevania decided to go 3D, losing that 2D feel that many fans loved. Ever since then, there has been a split in the series; one vein explores the Metroidvania feel while the other attempts to make a 3D Castlevania that doesn't suck. 

So... why did I do that? Because this is a portable Castlevania that was firmly declared to NOT be a metroidvania. The dude at Konami claimed that this game was going to be something new; a new phase in castlevania gaming! Well... the game did it... sort of. It has 2D gameplay, 3D backgrounds, and a somewhat adventurous element that the metroidvania series had. Well, onto gameplay later, as of now we need some plot!

THE PLOT

This game follows three different characters: Alucard, Trevor Belmont, and Simon Belmont. I will say, I love the character art for Simon.

No... sorry... wrong Simon... I was talking about THIS Simon Belmont.

I mean, look at him! all of his skin showing!? He is so high level. 

Of course, this is a journey that follows Simon in his defeat of the dark lord Dracula! but why? Of course... someone killed his family and stuff and he needs revenge and redemption... we get it. Well, the game is split up in 3 parts, one for each character. What's frustrating is that once they start to get the development happening they switch to the next act! It was irritating, because once I got to the point where I almost cared for Simon they switched to someone I didn't care about. Thankfully, the characters do develop a chemistry and you realize why they all know each other.

THE SOUND

I need you to do two things. One: Listen to this. This is from a previous castlevania.

Now... this is from the game itself. listen

I don't know how else to say this: the soundtrack to this game is AWFUL. I mean, did you hear the first one!? It had splash cymbals! strings! the only time I ever played air timpani! the other?... morose strings. Not only that, but in the game you're lucky to even HEAR music. See, that was one of the things that turned me on to the series: the screaming melodies that trumpeted over the speakers as you were viciously whipping through each enemy to get enough hearts so you didn't run out when you had to fight the next impossible boss! The time where you hear the most music is when you didn't die... which is never fun, mainly because the music was least orchestrated when you died in previous games.

THE GAMEPLAY

I know that if you ask anyone about the 3D castlevanias, their first response is," ISJUSAGAHDAWURNAHKAFF" (It's just a God of War knockoff). Although it'd be silly to say there is NO resemblance (stupidly slamming a button over and over to open a chest, quicktime events that could've been done with normal gameplay, "cool" cinematic kills that is done with one button) there is a different feel with this game. You have to take time with combos and the more intricate combos do more damage (Finally!). Now, Here is my beef with this game: how unreasonable the whip is. Look at this picture.

You see that?! His whip isn't even fully extended and it takes up half the screen. There are multiple combos in which the whip takes up the ENTIRE screen. To me, this is kind of ridiculous. Yeah, the stronger combos are smaller in radius, but if there are a lot of enemies on screen (or better yet, an enemy  I don't want to deal with) What's to stop me slamming Y over and over and helicopterdickin' everywhere!?

Oh I am, E-card. That's how I got through the game.

Here is my second beef with the gameplay: You have three characters. ALL of them have the same move set. There is no variance. Yeah, they look different and have different whip afterglowy stuff and have different sub weapons, but... there aren't differences with the characters themselves! One of them isn't faster or stronger than the other or anything!

THE AESTHETIC

One of the big complaints about this game that people have said is that it doesn't feel like the Castlevania games they know and love. This is a problem that many franchises have; if you establish the old school, you're considered boring, but if you create the new school you're not true to yourself. We've seen the former happen to the Megaman series (No, this time they're animals. It's totally different!), but we've seen the latter happen to Final Fantasy (EVERYTHING with FFXIII). However, There are some games that keep it interesting while adding new things, such as Metal Gear Solid, Super Smash Bros., and the Tales series. I will say that there were times that I felt like it was a game made under a different name then at the last moment they slapped the Castlevania title to it.

See? It's Alucard! GET IT!? CASTLEVANIA!

Now, I know that it's not Konami's fault for this. It's because I've been a diehard fan for so long that it's hard to imagine of the series besides what it has been all this time. I actually give them some kudos for trying something new! However, I felt that they may have drifted too far away from their origins.

THE VERDICT

This game would've been great if they kept more of what people liked about the series. If they added a killer soundtrack, more variance with the characters, and a plot that was based off of something besides revenge, this game could've been the next Symphony of the Night. However, it's not too bad. Is it worth 40$? Ehhh... it is if you're a big fan of the series. As of now, try to rent it or borrow it and it's not too bad... You know, as long as you blare other Castlevania tunes while you play it.

Pixels and Perspectives #1: The Last Story

Pixels and Perspectives #1- The Last Story

Remember the Wii? Well, there are some very good games on it that aren’t directly related to Nintendo! I know it may be hard to believe in times like these, but  there are many fine rpg titles for the wii like Xenoblade Chronicles and… uh… Tales of Symphonia and… well… you know… something besides this one that I am reviewing today. I’m going to give you a view on my interpretation of Mistwalker’s latest achievement The Last Story.

When I started playing this game, I was hooked and had a lot of high hopes for this game. However, I started to lose interest over time. I wanted to get into more battles because the fights were great! However, after about two thirds of the way through the game, I lost interest. So, what happened? I’ll start with what I liked.

What I liked:

- the battle system. To be honest, I think that the battle system is really fun and innovating. There is no wait-time and no real battle sequence. Heck, there isn’t even an attack button! You literally point the stick at the enemy and the dude starts swinging. Not only that, but you can have up to six people on your side in a fight. Six people! I haven’t seen that many people fight along side you since the Suikoden series! I mean… you had to have those kind of numbers in the Suikoden series because of so many characters, but in this game you can use everyone you know in a fight. Thankfully, there are varying roles with each character so all in all it makes a nice chemistry. Which leads me to my next point…

- the cast. I’ll get to the individual characters later on, but I can say this about the cast: I like them a lot. My first impression is that they look like characters from the world of Ivalice, from Final Fantasy Tactics and Final Fantasy XII fame. I've heard multiple reviewers dive into this... but I'll let it slide. It’s an attractive cast; they're young, and they get along very well. So attractive the fanart is through the roof on this one! I would post some but… well, let’s just say that the male characters get very comfortable with each other. Even though there is all that, I can say that there is witty dialogue between each character and it creates an overall lighthearted feel. 

Straight out of Ivalice, er... Lazulis... Island.

What I didn’t like:

- the characters. Now, I know in the last point I said I liked the cast. As I was playing this, I kept having this awkward complex of liking the dialogue and present chemistry, but hating how superficial each character was. Through this, I realized that the group is great as a whole, but none of the characters are solid enough to establish an individual identity. This is partially because of the structure of the plot, but to me this is a major pitfall because I ended up not caring for the individual people. I went from,” Oh no, this person could be dead!” and instead saying,” oh no! who’s going to heal me now!?” It was frustrating, but I think the shallow characters could be because of……

- the plot. The plot to this game isn’t really enticing. It starts off with our young yet sort of androgynous heroZael and his buddies being mercenaries and fighting through the land to make money. Zael finds this power called the Power of the Outsider, which is mysterious and no one really knows about it except… you guessed it… the corrupt king that wants to use it for his own benefit! He wants it to fight the lizard people because… I guess they’re lizard people… I wish there were nice lizard people in a JRPG… oh well. 

an eyepatch AND gold trimmed black armor?! totally not evil.

But anyways! It seems fairly standard, and although I haven’t completed the game the plot seems to be pretty much about that. There’s a princess involved that doesn’t want to be royalty and acts like a love interest for Zael… that’s as much individual character development as you’re going to get.

- the “we are obligated to do this to make the game longer” phases. There is a lot of this in this game. I will give you a perfect example.

***SPOILERS… but not really because this was used as filler….***

Ok, so like in every JRPG, you get captured. Since you are the main character, you don’t just do your sentence and come off looking like a respectable citizen. No! You meet another man in your cell named Horace, who is the king of fetch quests in this game. Anyways, he has been digging a hole and thinks you can get out by going through this hole. Wonderful, it provides experience and, well… I’ve been fighting in caves through a majority of the game. So, you get to the end and beat the obligatory boss of the area, and you get to a dead end… What does Horace do? He says,” I’m sorry master Zael. I thought this would be a way out.”

I wanted to just write gotcha… but this photo helped me deliver it more.

…… that’s it. You just spent about 30 min and nothing came of it!? No special item!? No new plot to this Outsider thing!? Then, guess how you get out of the cell? You are proven innocent.  This was very frustrating to me, and one of many examples of ways they tried to extend this game to make the storyline longer. The length of this game isn’t close to long either; I’ve spent about 15 hours on it and I’m two thirds through the storyline. One way they could’ve made this longer was if they changed…

- the difficulty. My last rub with this game is how easy it is. The battle system grants everyone five lives, and if your character uses all five of his/her lives, then you must start from the last check/save point. This is fine, but I’ve hardly lost one life in a battle, let alone all five of them. Another aspect that contributes to the easiness of the battle system is that the game stresses tactics in every battle, but the tactics can be easily disregarded which will lead to you winning battles by just brute strength. Pretty much, you just point your control stick at what you want to attack and… well that’s it because you don’t even have to manually attack someone.

What’s my verdict? The Last Story is fun, but don’t look at it if you want an in-depth and inventive RPG that changes the face of gaming. Although the battle system and overall feel is nice, the intricacies of the game make it become less appealing. Even though it is not the best RPG, I do believe that this game is at least worth a couple plays.

Metal Cereal #1: Amaranthe

There is a reason why I haven’t written anything for Metal Cereal yet. I keep going through my metal and as much as I love my metal, it wasn’t well updated. Then, after clicking on random videos on youtube and going down a random metal rabbit hole, I found this band and they have changed my view on metal: Amaranthe.

Amaranthe is a Swedish metal band that is somewhat of a supergroup. There are THREE vocalists: a clean female vocalist (formerly sang with Kamelot), clean male vocalist (who sang with Dream Evil) and a harsh male vocalist. The keyboardist and guitarist? Originally played for Nightrage and Dragonland (a great band, even if their name sounds stupid. Don’t judge me!) the other members have played with other strong metal bands, and well,  this group thrives. After listening to their self titled debut album, this group is firing on all cylinders. What is interesting though, if the vehicle they are propelling.

To me, this group sums up all things metal from 2000s on. My metal palette was confused at first due to the blending of styles, but that is what makes this group stand out so much: the diversity of styles. The vocalists compliment each other so well, providing a lot of variance and excitement in every song. Not only that, but every instrument in addition to the vocalists has their fair share of exemplification. This is also a tough feat to overcome. Whenever there is a musical collaboration there is generally a more dominant artist or instrumentalist (like how in Rebecca Black’s Friday no one remembers the rap section that is equally awkward!) However, every musician stands out in all of the songs on this album.

Now, for the negative attributes of this band. This group has received some reviews that the songs are canny and uninspired.  Although I don’t agree with the uninspired section, I can say that I feel like the band made a checklist of what makes a good metal song and stuck to that list. Most every song has these qualities:

- overly emotional clean male vocals

- screamer guy to add more intensity

- girl singer/sex appeal (Yeah, I know you can’t hear that. Wudup!?)

- double bass/ sweet drum rhythms

- sweet solo/ keyboard intros and interludes

- the bass guy mercilessly headbanging. After all, what is a metal bassist to do?

BASS SOLO! E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E

Here’s my rebuttal for all that. Yeah, it’s an intense thrill ride from beginning to end to the extent that the only point of rest is their ballad. Yet, even then it’s very emotionally charged. However, I know that the greatest of bands have been accused of writing one song over and over. Listen to even the most metal of bands. Although their songs resemble their other content, they have a central sound that is unique. This is why the latest Iron Maiden album went platinum and no one happily talks about Kiss’s disco album.

It's not disco, it's 70s rock...

So, here’s my last point. This group is good if you want a band that sums up different styles of metal in a nice yet intense manner. The best news? They show no signs of stopping. They just released their new single and they are touring with power metal giants Stratovarius in March and April! So, I definitely recommend this band because they’re going to be something big… if they haven’t gotten there already.

How does your mouth feel after eating your metal cereal!?

The first installment of a new installment!

Hello everyone! This is the first installment of a new series that I wanted to create in which I review anime. Now, before I get started, I know the cute name is called JOEnen jump, which is a blatant play on the popular manga magazine shonen jump. Even though its called joenen jump I'm covering all sorts of anime! The first anime we are going to cover is an anime that I've heard is good and was a nice show  to get back into anime. I haven't a good anime in a few years, so I decided to try this.

Joenen Jump #1: Higurashi: When They Cry

When I was a kid, I started anime like most other anime fans my age by watching shows that I didn't know were from Japan. Pokemon, Dragonball Z, Speed Racer, and G Force/Battle of the Planets/Gatchaman were shows that I loved! Well, when I got into high school and college I didn't watch anime nearly as much. Not only that, but I realized that it was hard to watch a new anime. I realized that I only enjoyed anime for the nostalgic value. However, I wanted to try something new, whether it was shogo or shonen! and what better way to start a show by seeing this?

See? Happy, cute, shogo artwork. Everything's happy! Everyone's getting along. Now, this is how the show starts multiple times (I'll explain later), but almost every time the show ends it looks something like this (not really a spoiler, but still pretty gruesome)... 

BWAH! what happened!? It looked so happy in the beginning! let me explain how this show goes, so when you watch it, you won't be lost like me.

 Higurashi: When They Cry started off as a video game series that is set up like a visual novel. Although these games aren't very popular in the U.S. (besides 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors, which is amazing!) they are very popular in Japan. These kinds of games are extremely text-heavy and are built around the decisions that you make. The pitfall of taking a decision-heavy, multiple-ending-having game series and turning it into a linear anime is that the freedom of choice is taken away. Thankfully, this show accommodated for this by taking each path and putting it into separate chapters. I didn't know this at first, so I was very confused when the new chapters would start, which was my bad! The plots range from curses, desperation, abuse, and redemption. There is always a theme of the supernatural through each story arc but it pertains more to some arcs than others.

What I liked about this show

The pacing-- I will say that the pacing of this show is very good. There are many times in anime where they have recap episodes or random fan service episodes. This kept the recap and fan service down to a minimum! Another thing I enjoyed about the pacing is the rate of the pacing. I was never bored with the story arcs. More importantly, I didn't feel that the story was rushed. There are six chapters in the first season, and each story has their own way of having a strong pace.

The atmosphere-- The atmosphere is set very well. The biggest thing that impressed me was the seamless transition from a happy shogo anime to a twisted, disjunct tale of struggle. I really like how they introduce the transitions to each arc, as it generally starts with one character and the mood slowly seers into the other characters. 

What I didn't like about this show

The characters-- With each arc, there is generally three things: something evil, a designated "good guy" and a designated "bad guy". The evil is generally revolved this being called Oyashiro, who is the guardian of the city. There is a thing called "Oyashiro's Curse", in which someone either goes crazy and kills people, or kills his/herself. Because of the various arcs and choices characters switch roles fairly quickly. Because of this, it was hard for me to like a specific person, which is kinda frustrating for me because I'm a sucker for a good cast. Also, I felt like the characters didn't have a strong set of personality traits. Their emotions seem superficial and when things spiral out of control I didn't really care about the cast. 

Intentional plot holes-- With each arc, there are questions left unanswered. Now, I understand that this is a good way to use other arcs as a different vantage point to the previous story line. However, at the end of the series ( NOT a spoiler alert) there is a narrator that explains that there are many other questions left unanswered in the town, which I know is an easy to raise demand for another season. To be honest, I really don't like it when a series or a movie leaves out enough information that it won't make complete sense until another part is made. The cliffhanger also didn't come off as suspenseful or intriguing. So, anime, remember, learn from horrible movies and realize that if you want a sequel you must make each part strong as a stand alone movie (I'm looking at you, I Am Number Four!)!  

"but Michael Bay always makes a sequel!"

So, Now that I've ranted about the good and bad of this series, it's time to give my final words on it. Overall, the show was good. It had strong pacing, a decent story, and a pretty nice atmosphere. However, the characters are very flip-floppity and they always leave something out for the purpose of filling it in later. The real question is whether or not you are invested in it enough to watch until the plot holes are filled. The end of each arc is gruesome and climactic, which may make the beginning of the next arc feel out of place. Just remember that there are different arcs and it's a good show to watch if you want a nice blend of scariness, craziness, and cuteness

If you want a taste of an intense scene, this is what you'll be going into (one of many death scenes):

Thank you for reading!

Joey